I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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