Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
