I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
