Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They have beer where we have blood.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
