i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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