Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Randomize
