I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
