He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
