The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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