Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
