drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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