woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
