So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
