We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
