More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
