tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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