ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
