She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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