I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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