I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
