if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
