I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
