Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
