I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
