You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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