I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
