If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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