jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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