I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
