so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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