I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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