So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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