So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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