i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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