the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
