Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
