Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
