Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you had me at cake vodka
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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