So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
