I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
