Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
