end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
