broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
