I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
