My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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