You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
