i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
