I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
