Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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