Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
