i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
